I Won't Let Go
by fox24
Summary: Lorelai contemplates on her feelings for Chris in 7.14 and makes a different decision. A au verion of farewell my pet C/L and be respectful


**Before any of you write a review of how Christopher and Lorelai are all wrong for each other, and that Luke and Lorelai are in love. Remember this an alternate reality fanfic a different interpretation to how things could have gone. I'm not going to send it to ASP to write an alternate ending in of a GG movie. So if you don't like Chris and Lorelai think before reading if you can't be respectful. **

Lorelai kept mulling Sookie's question in her head over and over again. If there weren't a Luke, would there be a Christopher, and would he be the one? She could not believe the audacity of Sookie to ask her such a question. Hadn't Sookie seen how happy Lorelai had been on the eve of Sookie's wedding, when Lorelai had finally felt that this time, she and Chris had finally got it right--only to find out the Sherry revelation hours later? How about when she had told Sookie that Christopher had a powerful effect on her the first time that he had come to Stars Hollow, and throughout her life?

Chris had been a huge part of her life ever since she met him at her parents' Christmas party when she was six years old. They were the only two children at that party. They had quickly gone to Lorelai's room and debated about which color was better: blue or green. They then proceeded to go outside to the balcony, where they played a game of who could catch the most snowflakes on their tongue. She had won. It was her second special memory of snow, after staying home from school at five years old because of an ear infection. She felt that the fairy tale fairy had given her another memory: a special friend that she could share the snow with, a best friend who loved candy, Sesame Street, and music as much as she did. As the years went by, they still loved candy and music, but their interests shifted to mocking TV shows like Dukes of Hazzard, coffee, reading, hating high society, and rebellion. Almost everything she liked, Chris liked as well. There were things they disagreed on, like Metallica vs. Offspring, but when they argued, it was fun, not tiring or aggravating, the way that it was with Luke at times. Chris did not look at her like she spoke in another language, the way Luke sometimes did. It was another reason she had looked forward to her parents' Christmas party every year, because it was an anniversary of when she and Chris had met so many years ago, and started a friendship that had led to something so much more. She also looked forward to that event because Chris would often be there, standing right by the famous delicious apple-tarts. He would give her that famous Christopher Hayden smile and she would go right up to him and they would talk, mock, and laugh as though they had never been apart. During the years Chris wasn't at the Christmas party, Lorelai felt a pang in her heart that she tried to cover up with a smile and a laugh. When it came to her feelings for Chris through the years, she had developed a routine of covering them up—acting like Chris's absence through the years did not affect her, acting like she had made the right decision in saying no every time there had been a possibility of getting back together with him. She remembered the night before Sookie's wedding, when everything was right between her and Chris. Chris had proven to be more grown up and responsible, and they were not seeing any one else. That night was possibly one of the most romantic nights of her life, and the next morning she had woken up happier than she had ever been her life. She felt that she had found happiness in her love life, and that she did not have to look anywhere else.

However, the fantasy ended. Chris had gotten the phone call about Sherry's pregnancy, and she once again had to say goodbye to him. After mourning the loss of what she and Christopher could have had, Lorelai once again went back to convincing herself that the reason she and Chris could not get it right was because they were not right for each other and never had been. Christopher had just been her past, and she needed to move on.

Moving on is what she, Lorelai Gilmore, did, as she had done before at seventeen. What was the use of hoping she and Chris would be together someday, when every time she tried to be happy and let herself go, something bad happened? Lorelai could not go through that cycle again, and she vowed that she would let go of Christopher. She had a transitional relationship with Jason, and then moved on to Luke, the guy she felt would be her "one". Luke was there for her, Chris was not; Luke could fix things and Chris could not. Before she had found out about April, Lorelai felt that she had found true happiness with him. Their banter was entertaining, she got more access to his coffee when they were dating, and Luke had been there for her during one of the worst periods of her life, when she had been estranged from Rory. Lorelai only focused on the good parts of her relationship with Luke, not on the little things, like how Luke would not like a lot of the same movies she liked, or had never seen them; or the fact that Luke actually needed to have a list of what CDs to get her, whereas Chris would know exactly what they were. However, Lorelai tried to suppress those thoughts. Luke was the man that she was supposed to love and not Chris. She suppressed the fact that she had thought of someone to be her one before Luke. She realized now that this was why she had lied to Lynnie when she had said that Luke was the one person she had loved in her life. She remembered that at the age of six, she and Chris had talked about getting married and living in a house of gummy worms. She realized that she had lied once again to Lynnie: there had been a time when she had thought of marriage in a longing way before Max.

Listening to Celine Dion play "My Heart Will Go On, Lorelai started to relive all the memories of her and Christopher: their pubescent friendship, when they had spent all their time after school in each other's houses, playing board games, playing pranks on maids, and eating junk food. She then remembered realizing at fourteen that she had feelings for Chris. Whenever she was around him, she felt a spark. Her heart would pound and her hands would get sweaty. Even though she had dated in seventh and eighth grade, she had never felt her hormones react as strongly as they did when she was around him. He would get her in ways her junior high boyfriends would not. She wanted Chris and wanted him bad, and being a woman who was stopped by nothing when she wanted something, she went and kissed him first that day in the parking lot. Chris reciprocated immediately by cupping her cheeks and then gently stroking her hair. Lorelai had noticed that a few drops of snow had fallen after they had pulled away. It was why she had told Rory that after her first kiss there had been snow, because even though she had been kissed before, none of her other kisses had such sweetness and lustfulness. She would always consider it her first real kiss. From then on, she and Chris began dating, although it didn't really feel like dating. There was no awkwardness or getting to know each other: it was just she and Chris doing everything together, only with kissing involved. Every happy moment she had spent in Hartford had been with Chris. He was her best friend, partner in crime, and knight in shining armor all wrapped up in one. She had always thought she and Chris would end up together. She was once again reminded at how she had thought about spending a future with Chris before there had been a Luke.

Chris had been constant part of her childhood and teenage years. But if she and Chris were such a big part of each other, then why could they never get it right? Lorelai would always blame the universe. First there was her pregnancy, and she felt that she wasn't emotionally ready to get married at the age of sixteen. Her parents' pressure on the marriage made her feelings about marrying Chris, that at the age of six had been a joy, into an obligation, something that came along with wearing white dresses and pearls. Lorelai could just see her future. She would have a big society wedding at the Windsor club or at the Plaza, and then spend the rest of her days at DAR meetings and board meetings with Emily, while Christopher would spend the rest of his days slaving at a fancy insurance job that he would eventually grow to detest. Lorelai always justified to herself that the decision not to marry Chris had been the right one. After a struggle of soul-searching, Chris had found a job that he loved and was good at. Lorelai believed that she had found a nice simple life with Rory and her job at the Inn, where she had elevated herself from maid to manager in a ten-year period. However, throughout the years, there was always a sense of _what if_. She remembered when Rory had been six months years old and they were still living at the mansion, Chris had told her of his plans of going to California, and he had asked Lorelai if maybe he should stay for her and Rory. She could still see that scene playing inside her mind.

"_Lor__, tell me not to go? Tell me that you and Rory need me?" There was a part of Chris that wanted to go have some adventure before he got old; yet the feeling of leaving the only woman he loved behind was too unbearable. However, during the months since Rory was born, Lorelai had barely called him, and whenever he would hold Rory, Lorelai had that look…that possessive territorial look, as if to say, "Nobody can touch my things." He needed to know right now that he was needed._

_Lorelai was touched by Chris' concern, but she did not want to keep him away from his life. Moreover, asking him to stay would mean swallowing her pride and admitting that she needed help, when she was determined to show everyone that she did not need any help. She loved Chris and did not want to lose him, but at that moment her pride mattered more. "Chris, it's fine. Rory has been an easy baby, and I'm sure she'll grow up to be an easy child. Plus, I'm leaving this fancy prison in a few months anyway, so there's no point in you staying." She tried to blink back the tears, and showed Chris her famous fake smile._

_Chris could tell that she had been trying to protect her famous I-don't-need-anyone mantra ever since the stick had turned blue; but he could see right through her. "Lor, why don't I wait and come with you? We could start a life together: just you, me and Rory."_

_Lorelai wanted nothing more than that--to start a life with just her, Chris and Rory against the world. But bringing him along in her great escape would mean that she had surrendered and needed help raising Rory. She would also delay Chris in pursuing his own dreams and passions. "Chris, I can't allow you to give up your great adventure. Look, I promise that someday we'll all be together, but right now we both need to figure things out."_

_Chris looked at her longingly and said, "Lor, are you sure this is what you want?"_

_Lorelai looked at his handsome sincere face, and almost changed her mind. Instead she said, "Yeah, Chris, it's what I want."_

"_Okay." They then kissed passionately, and Chris had walked right out of the Gilmores' living room and out the door. She had tearfully followed him to the door and watched him drive away, fighting the urge to change her mind._

Lorelai snapped out of her reverie. For twenty years, she had wondered what would have been if she had followed Christopher and asked him to stay. For twenty years she had never admitted to herself how territorial she had been about her independence and Rory, how she still wanted things to be her way, and how she still shoved Chris away when he brought up an opinion she didn't share. She guessed that was a reason why a part of her still longed for Luke. With the exception of the time after April's appearance, when Luke had started to do things his way, Luke had always done what she wanted. Whether it was the decision not to buy the Twickham house; or to postpone the wedding day until things were good with Rory. Luke had never said no to her, and had acted like giving in to her never bothered him. Yet when April entered the picture, Luke had started to handle things on his own. He stopped communicating to her, and started to shut her out. Lorelai was hurt that she was no longer in control and that things weren't going her way, and these feelings eventually led her to Chris.

Going to Chris that night was wrong on so many levels, yet being with him felt right in a way. However, a part of her was still thinking of Luke. She justified that night as just a stupid, meaningless mistake. Yet when Chris gave her that heartfelt speech, telling her he loved her and that he would wait for her, Lorelai felt the familiar butterflies that her sixteen year-old self had felt, and she realized a part of her still loved him too. She decided to go for it with Chris, but a part of her realized that it was wrong to get together then. Luke was still on her mind. However, during the whirlwind dating filled with drive-in theaters, crème brulée, and finally Paris, Lorelai once again remembered how wonderful Chris was as a boyfriend and how much he had matured and changed, yet still stayed the same. She started to think about Luke less and less and started to let herself go and be happier than she had been with anyone else. Still, she did not completely let herself go: there was a part of her that held back, arguing that she was still getting over Luke. When Chris had asked her to marry him, she had said yes after twenty years, but still a part of her was not comfortable with the marriage. The town and Sookie were in a frenzy about how wrong the relationship was and how Luke was the right one for Lorelai.

Then Luke started to become a part of her life again, asking her for help with April. Lorelai knew she should not have hidden the letter, but she didn't want Chris to freak out. Plus, she didn't want to admit to anyone that a part of her was still longing for the familiarity of Luke, the man who never questioned her. However, once all hell broke loose with Chris finding the letter, Lorelai was surprised at how devastated she had been when Chris had walked out the door. It was worse than when Luke had said nothing to their ultimatum. She remembered how disappointed she had been when Luke had called her instead of Chris; how every time she'd looked at the hospital door in New Haven, she'd wished that Chris would come. She had needed him more than anyone that day, and he hadn't come until so much later.

Lorelai had realized that everyone had left the funeral. She was wondering if she too was going to experience loss, the loss of a marriage, and she realized how unpleasant it was to think of not having Chris to laugh with, cry with and grow old with. She needed him, and no one else compared. Her feelings for Luke had withered away. She did not need him the way she needed Chris. She had denied and covered up her feelings for Chris for twenty years, and she did not want to do it anymore. Therefore, in answer to Sookie's question, Christopher was the one before Luke, and Christopher was the one now.

After a long consideration, Lorelai realized that she needed to fix things with Chris once and for all. He was the one. Yes, there had been a period where she had felt Luke was the one and that they would end up happily ever after, but that had been just one small period of her life that had changed like autumn going on into spring. What she felt with Chris was not transitional; it was a part of her, like her love of coffee and snow. She had denied and buried it for years, but there was no more time for that now. She wanted a good relationship like Rory had with Logan, and in order to get it, she needed to stop being afraid of happiness and letting go of her independence. She needed to stop running to other people every time there was a discord, and to be more honest. She walked through the door hoping that Chris would forgive her.

Christopher sat there waiting for Lorelai. He kept thinking about what to say to her, wondering if they could repair the damage that had taken place during the past few days. He knew that some of those mistakes had been his fault: overreacting about the letter; turning off his cell phone so that he hadn't been there when the woman he loved had needed him; and pushing her, when she was not a hundred percent over Luke. However, she had made mistakes as well. She had chosen to be with him when she was not fully over Luke. She had made this marriage go the exact way she wanted; he had to practically beg her to make a decision for himself. She had hidden the fact that she had written her ex-fiancé a letter. He knew that she loved him, but he needed to know that she was completely in love with him. He did not want to risk himself and his daughter by being in a relationship with a woman who he was not sure really wanted him.

Suddenly Christopher had heard the door open, and he stood up as Lorelai walked towards him. Chris right away said, "Hi."

"Hey," Lorelai said, trying to choke back the tears. There were so many things that she wanted to say, but she had no idea how to start. She felt that sitting down would be good, and Chris followed her lead. "How was the funeral?"  
"Sad," Lorelai replied. She needed to start talking about the issue at hand. She sniffled and then quietly said: "I mean you were right, there were feelings there, because when that ended I just jumped." She started to cry. She hated to admit the truth to Chris.

"I pushed you," Chris said, feeling guilty.

"No, Chris. You didn't. It was my fault. I should have waited until I had gotten Luke out of my system before I called you. You were willing to wait for me, and I just rushed like I usually do. I should really get advice from Rory on how to become a list maker. But the thing is, Chris, that during this afternoon I realized I've completely let go of my romantic feelings towards Luke."

"Lor, are you sure? Because I know the two of you were engaged and had a serious friendship before that."

"Chris, the day after you left, Luke called me saying that the reference letter had been a success; and while I was happy for him and April, I kept wishing that it was you instead and wondering where you had gone. When Luke came at the hospital I kept wishing you had come. All that time at the hospital I kept hoping it was you; when I saw Logan comforting Rory I wished you'd come to comfort me. And don't ever tell my mother I said this, but when she broke down about what a good wife she was to my dad, I kept hoping that I could be half that good a wife to you. Just don't expect me to host social functions for you."

Chris laughed. This woman could always find humor in serious situations, but he still had some doubts. "Yeah, but Lor, what about the way you rejected things, like having the wedding performed again, or buying a bigger house?"

"Chris, I didn't reject those things because I didn't love you, and it wasn't because I was holding on to Luke again. But I've been used to having things my own way since I was sixteen. I'm not used to having a partner in life; I mean, Luke did practically anything I asked him to. It's why we worked out in the beginning. I've never learned to compromise, and I promise I am going to try harder to listen to your side of the story when you offer me an idea. I think we should have the wedding again. After all, I can't rob Emily of a chance to have control, and I'll invite everyone in town. It's about time they got used to us. I will get a bigger house with you as long as it's in Stars Hollow, or within ten minutes from it. I love this town, and it has nothing to do with Luke, but I know that Gigi and Rory need space, and I guess in a bigger house there will be room for something else." Lorelai smiled with anticipation at the thought of finally being able to have another child with Chris and raise it together.

"Lor, do you really mean it?" Chris smiled at the thought of having another beautiful child with this great woman.

"I figure we're not getting any younger, only let's get used to being newlyweds first?"

"You're right. I'm sorry I've been so pushy; it's just that I've been afraid of losing you again. Especially since it took you twenty years to say yes."

"Chris, I've wanted to be with you for so long, and I keep thinking how I should have asked you to stay that day twenty years ago. But my need to be independent prevented me from running after you and chasing after your motorcycle."

"That would be a funny sight Lorelai Gilmore running. It would have been a danger to those fiery red boots that you were wearing that day."

"Chris you remember those?" Lorelai said in amazement.

"How can I not? Those were the only shoes that you have ever worn more than once in a three year period.

Chris laughed. "You wore them the first time you kissed me when we were 14, and on our first date when we saw Fast Times at Richmond High."

Lorelai started to laugh. "I feel so sorry for all the people at the theater. We were really loud, and you were doing that hilarious Sean Penn imitation."

"And you were throwing Red Vines at all the parts of the movie you didn't like."

"You know, that was the best first date I ever had, and I've had some good ones. But with you it never felt like I was on a date. There were no rules I had to follow. It was just me and you having a good time. You would join in during my movie mocking. Rory's the only other one who could do that."

"Well, she is our daughter. You taught her well, and from what I've seen Logan also has good taste in movies. Pretty soon movie-mocking will take over the world."

Lorelai paused for a second at the mention of Rory and Logan. "Those two really care about each other. I saw it at the hospital. The reason Rory's relationship with Logan scares me sometimes is because Rory reminds me of happy I am with you; and whenever I see Rory sad about Logan, I'm reminded about being hurt by you. With you I let myself go completely. I'm my full self, and I'm happier than I've been with any other man. However, then I think that this happiness isn't possible—that I'll get hurt. Either Sherry will turn out pregnant again; or you won't be there for me in a crisis." Lorelai started to cry.

Chris started to stroke her and to softly touch her hair. "Lor, that will never happen. If I had known that Richard was sick, I would have been there in a second. I didn't think anything bad would happen by turning off my cell phone. You honestly have to believe me."

Lorelai was touched by his sincerity and understood that he hadn't meant to be absent at the hospital. "I know that now, Chris, and I shouldn't have been so hard on you. I'm sorry for hiding the Luke letter. I am going to be honest from now on. "

"And Lor, I'm sorry for not being the guy you needed me to be in the past, and I promise that I am not that person anymore and I won't let you down."

"I know, Chris, I'm not scared anymore. I'm fully ready to be with you. No more running."

"No more avoiding," Chris agreed.

Lorelai put her arms around him and pulled him into a kiss, saying, "I love you Christopher Hayden. Always have, always will."

"And I love you too, Lorelai Gilmore, ever since I was six years old." They moved their lips towards each other, and slowly looked at each other, memorizing their faces. Their lips finally met, and it started as a sweet tender kiss and slowly descended to become more heated as Lorelai and Chris both pulled each other close together. Lorelai felt the familiar rush of emotions that she always felt when kissing Christopher Hayden: familiarity, unity, passion, and excitement. These words also symbolized the very nature of her and Chris' relationship. She had kept the promise that she had made to Chris twenty years ago. She had told him that someday they would be together again, and today was that day.


End file.
